So conceptually I had a good idea where I wanted this post to go. If that’s where it is going to end up…heaven knows. I anticipated it would be extremely well written and very erudite and concise. Already it’s looking more like it’s going to end up like a diary entry from a Judy Blume novel. I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts for a week or so. Something I like to call “meh”. Not ill or poorly. Just not 100% with something you can’t put your finger on. This is what has prompted me to ask what do you about the meh.
I should probably preface by shouting loud and proud I’m on my monthly cycle (does anyone even call it that anymore?). This often doesn’t do anything to help my meh. I’m a firm believer that there will always be a reason behind this feeling. Sometimes you know straight away what it is and other times you have to hunt around a bit to find the reason. I’ve been hunting. It wasn’t immediately obvious.
Meh is what I describe a lot of the time as B.A.S (bad apple syndrome). You have a bowl with 5 apples in. These apples represent 5 aspects of your life. Your apples so your aspects – mine are usually love, money, happiness, family and health. If you take a bite out of one of the apples and put it back in the bowl it will start to rot. Eventually it will make all the apples touching it rot. The analogy being that if you have something wrong in one aspect of your life it will eventually affect all aspects. That’s why for me getting to the root of meh is quite important.
I flipped the top back on my head and had a dig around and found a couple of bones of contention at the moment which I think are triggering my meh. I did a little Instagram story earlier on in the week asking for help or advice to sort it out and would just like to say thanks to the couple of people who reached out. One is a bit more personal so I’ve put a pin in that for the moment. The other one I’m going to attempt to dissect in a Freudian like manner is my blogging, and blogging in general. This is the cause of some internal beef for me at the moment.
Looking back I realise I had briefly touched upon this in a previous post. I’m now officially 8 months in to my blogging journey and reading this post back made me realise that a lot of the feelings I had then, I still have. In fact they are probably stronger now than then. Whilst I am newish to blogging, I’ve been active within the plus size community for a couple of years now. I run a couple of Facebook groups, I like to think with some degree of success. I’ve been on friendly acquaintance terms with a couple of bloggers I regard quite highly. All of this really made me think making the transition to blogging would not be that difficult. It seems I couldn’t of been more wrong.
8 months in and I still struggle term myself a blogger. I don’t feel I’ve put the time or graft in to warrant that title. Someone very wise told me “do you write blog posts?…then you are a blogger”. But there is more to it than just that isn’t there. More than just writing a post to feel a part of this “community”. A perfect example is Curve Fashion Festival. I adore Curve. I love the event, the people, the atmosphere. Everything. However there was a big blogger photo organised by Debz from Not So Secret Diary of A Wannabe Princess. An attempt to get all the bloggers at the event together for a picture. An update on last year’s picture. Last year I wasn’t blogging so it didn’t mean anything to me. This year I am blogging but still I managed to talk myself out of being included in the picture because I’m not really supposed to be in it am I?
There comes the hyper critical self sabotaging doubter creeping in. Something I’m sure we are all guilty of in one way or another. The usual strife between your heart and your head. My reality is I don’t feel part of the “community” yet. I’m sure some of that is down to me but do wonder if I should take all the blame. Yes pity party coming up so get your tissues out. I wish that some well established bloggers would consider writing a “how to” guide for us fledglings. Not a formula for success. Only you have that. No-one can give it to you. But a “what to expect when you start blogging”, “where to go, things to do”. That type of thing. I’ll ask questions on Twitter but my engagement appears to be so shite I rarely get a response. Sometimes posts that claim to cover this, but upon reading often don’t.
I don’t need hand holding but I sometimes feel like I need guidance. I’m in blogger FB groups but I don’t see anyone asking those kinds of questions, which makes me feel like I’m stupid to ask. I have no idea if spending hours taking part in Twitter chats is going to improve my engagement (not presently). I only tend to get hits on a new post the day I post it and share it, after that nowt so what am I doing wrong. I’m still not 100% sure how to improve my DA. I also don’t feel I have anyone I can ask about it. Yup there’s that big old community everyone chats about.
If you are still with me and reading I’ll say again this post is very disjointed because it is more random musings over the more structured nature of my posts. My usual bedtime routine consists of climbing in to bed and going through the Instagram stories for the day and one from Lottie L’amour really hit a chord and stuck with me this week. It was addressing those feelings of jealousy that creep in. I’m looking at feeds of the people I follow. They are almost all doing London Fashion Week stuff, or events, or something. Lottie said to just remember “it’s not your time yet”. My head knows that’s right, it’s clearly not my time. But my heart wonders if it ever will be. I look at the community and wonder if it’s peaked. Is the best of what’s available already out there? Is it saturated with too many plus size bloggers where quantity is outweighing quality? Where do I fit in? If I even do at all.
I have so much stuff I want to get out but I think I’ve probably overwhelmed you all enough with my self pity. I’ll leave the rest for other day (yay I can all hear you scream). I promise that wasn’t the sole purpose of this either. This was a two pronged post. Firstly I’m sure that there are other people out there who must feel like this, so it’s to say it’s ok you are not alone (cliché much right). Feel free to message me if you don’t want to post publicly. Secondly for cathartic purposes for me and to remind myself how far I have come. I wrote a post back in February on my first month bloggerversary. I’d like to end of a positive note by updating you on the goals I set in that post.
- I have bought my own domain.
- I made the jump to being self hosted.
- I’ve done a couple of plus size fashion posts and have another one coming up thanks to my one and only bit of blogger mail from the gorgeous Jazmin at PlusEquals (insert shameless plug here) Be sure to keep an eye on their social media as there is a new AW17 line is dropping this weekend and it’s going to be epic. Pink and sequins. Need I say more?
- I attended LondonEdge officially as a blogger.
So in short my advice for dealing with the meh…get off your chest whatever is weighing you down. I guess for the moment I’m just going to keep putting content out and hoping that someone, somewhere, wants to read it.